God Can't Love Me...

Romans 8:31-39 (The Message)

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.


So many times I read this scripture growing up,and knew that God is LOVE and that he would always love me no matter what, but that was until I messed up... and Satan had me believing that there was no way that God could love me now...

John 10:10 (NIV)
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy

I’ve learned a huge lesson the past year and a half and it was a hard, and when I say hard I mean HARD lesson that I learned, I was broken and thought that God couldn’t use me, that the thing I had done was unforgivable, and I couldn’t even forgive myself and that there was NO WAY anyone even God could ever love me. Because when you hurt someone you love its hard to even conceive the thought of forgiveness and just being hated even by God. The past year I went though a time where I came to a place where I finally understand GRACE. And I understand that the enemy used everything he had to bring me down and to even, end it all… he knew the right things to say, he knew what to say to just break me to pieces.

"My mistakes are running through my mind and I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry"

Here I was, believing a lie of God doesn't love me, that no one does, and I didn't even love myself, and that if I couldn't forgive myself that God couldn't either. I went through months of going to church, and trying to break through this but I couldn't. As I tried to worship I'd sit there and beg God for forgiveness, but it was like all I could hear was you really think God could forgive you? that he loves you? after what you did?.

It was a dark time where I was tormented with this day in and day out. During this time I'd believe every single lie that Satan would tell me. On days when things seem to get better, all of a sudden I felt like I was being hit from every direction and could find shelter.

"Well the past is playing with my head & failure knocks me down again I’m reminded of the wrong That I have said and done & that devil just wont let me forget"

In late June, I just had a bad day at work and wrote a email to someone and said "UGH!!" on my way home I seen I had a new email on my blackberry, so I opened it and it said " bad thing just follow you". In that moment while I was driving home I yelled at God and said "See God!.. Everyone hates me everyone thinks bad of me!" and it was like Satan was just laughing at me...

When I arrived home, my mom was asleep and I wrote her a note that said "I love you, Going off". I got in the car and begun to drive to Starbucks and while I was driving all I could hear was, "don't you see you'll never be anything that not a person loves you and bad things are always going to follow you around.. you should just end it now you have a gun.. just pull it out, because no one is even going to care your gone" I went through Starbucks ordered my drink and pulled in the parking lot and sat there.

I didn't think I could take much more. So, as I drank my coffee, I opened up my console and pulled out my gun. I sat the coffee down, and placed the gun to my head. I yelled to God and said I guess this is it I have someone who hates me and most of all I know you have to. So in that moment I pulled the trigger.... and the gun clicked.. and all of a sudden a song began to play from my cell phone

" Please lay down your arrows 'Cause they're sure to pierce the skin and water from a broken well will make you thirst again When all things you've acquired are tested by the flames and you can see them melting then will you call His name?..Did you know that you are dearly loved?"

In that moment God said how many times have I told you I loved you?.. and the memories came of when a lady at a conference came up to me and hugged me and said "God said to tell you he loves you".. than again a month later when I was at church a usher walked up to me and hugged me and said "God told me to tell you He loves you".. and I remember shaking my head saying how??? how can you love me??.. and he said I love you no matter what you have done I love you,that it doesn't matter if anyone else in the world loves me or not that he loves me, that he loves me so much he wouldn't let me hurt myself, he reminded me that he wouldn't have sent his son to be beaten beyond recognition for someone he didn't treasure that he didn't think was valuable?.. He showed me that I was worth something that he loved me that much that he did send Jesus to pay for that mistake that mess up.

No matter how much you or I've messed up, no matter the sin, he loves us. Just like the lady who was brought before Jesus, who had committed adultry and all the people were trying to see what he would say since the rule was to stone the person. Instead of condeming her for her sin, he reached down and started drawing in the sand, it was almost like he was saying I'm not afraid to get dirty to save you, i'll reached down and clean your mess how ever many times it takes to show you that I love you, and that I want you in eternity with me, and I love the part where he says the first among you with no sin cast the first stone, and one by one they left. You see no matter what he will to forgive and love you. because he WANTS you. people may not forgive you or love you, but the GOD who created the universe cares for you and loves you more than me or you will ever deserve. and all you have to do is ask for forgivness and he gives it freely.

"Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend Capture my heart again"

Even though the "trail" wasn't over yet for me, That moment changed me, it changed me from being the person I was to being someone who finally understood who there God was, and that he cared for me, and that I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been because I was forgiven. even though it hasn't been a easy road, I know who's hand I'm holding walking down this road.